Love me

if you are beautiful enough, smart enough, creative enough, talented enough, someone will always love you, even if it is in a sycophantic, shallow way.

but I am not that pretty, not that smart, not that gifted. my faults will never be overlooked, forgiven. I will never get that "get-out-free" card. I will always be an embarrassment, a disappointment. I will always be viewed as lazy, crazy, worthless, simple-minded, spoiled, ugly, not-worth-loving, repulsive. I will always make people take on that tone of voice and I will always make people want to break things, say hurtful things.

and it is so sad because I am no different than anyone else, really. essentially. I am no different in that what I want is to be loved/feel deserving of being loved.

I want someone to love me no matter how awful I am. I don't want love to be contingent upon outside factors like, "did you do x today?" or "are you going to stop being crazy?" or "if only you could cook more like your sisters". if that's the only kind of love being offered to me, then fuck it, I changed my mind, I don't want to be loved at all.