I wish...

i wish i was eighteen and thin again. a smoker's physique with the softness of a young child. i wish i was seventeen and angry again. the tenacious confidence of an angst ridden self-affliction. i wish i was sixteen and careless again. the clumsy disregard for others and myself really helped move the self-destruction along. it was so beautiful to smile through with immaturity because it was so much easier then. now everything is inexcusable and looked down upon. i think, sometimes, the older i get... the more i lose myself... the more i lose parts of me that i love. i wish i could justify saying whatever i wanted, when i wanted with no remorse. i wish i could justify falling in love with a new person every week and leaving, always leaving them like a hat on a windy day. i wish i could still traipse through life not caring what came next, or thinking about my next major step. i miss the freedom of youth, even though i am still youthful. i know that from now on, only the burden of responsibility and adulthood is on the horizon.